I Dare You
by slytherin-serpent13
Summary: When Hermione gets herself into a competition she doesn't know what the consequences will be...
1. No Backing Out

**A/N**

**Disclaimer: If I owned these characters I would probably have a deal with a publisher and would not be writing on websites. Sadly I don't, so I am.   
  
This bears a few similarities to other fics about lists/Hermione/Snape but to my knowledge I haven't totally nicked the plot off anyone else.**

* * *

It was the day after the end of the Christmas holidays. In the corner of the Gryffindor common room Ron and Harry were playing chess. Hermione (studying for NEWTs, as usual) noticed they were playing it even more than normal recently. She gingerly rubbed her bushy-haired head and grimaced. She hadn't had much sleep with all the partying that had gone on after Voldemort's downfall ten days ago. No one talked of him anymore. Harry seemed generally happy, though he was still bitter and felt lonely after Sirius' death two years ago.   
  
Her eyes scanned the book in front of her, but she wasn't concentrating properly. Her head was full of thoughts nothing to do with studying. _Harry – great wizard. Snape – gotta love the git. Dumbledore – be dead without him. Ron – idiot, but means well. Ginny – brilliant friend. Fudge – arrogant bastard.   
_  
She had described nearly every wizard she knew in this manner before realising NEWTs were only six months away and she had wasted half an hour of perfectly good revision time.   
  
Parvati, Lavender, Neville, Seamus and Ginny came over and began whispering urgently to Harry and Ron. Suddenly, the lot of them erupted into fits of laughter.  
  
"I'm trying to study here!" Hermione said indignantly. They turned around to face her and placed a piece of parchment on top of her book.   
  
**Out With A Bang Competition**  
  
The idea is to see who will be remembered longest for being the most exciting seventh year student.  
  
#1 Students wishing to enter must be seventh years  
  
#2 The winner will be announced at the graduation ceremony   
  
#3 Judged by Messrs. Fred and George Weasley  
  
#4 Your dare will be decided by a fellow student in an appointed place, at an appointed time  
  
#5 A dare can consist of anything, unless life threatening  
  
#6 Miss Ginevra Weasley will judge whether something is life threatening or not  
  
#7 BEWARE: we'll know if you cheat!  
  
#8: Good luck!  
  
Hermione snorted.  
  
"That's got to be the stupidest idea ever. Why were you laughing so hard, anyway?" Harry looked nervously around and said:  
  
"Um...well...that would just be our ideas for some, uh, dares..." he trailed off.  
  
"Come on, Hermione, I'm overseeing it, it will be fun!" exclaimed Ginny. "You need to lighten up sometimes! Oh, and read this." She produced a smaller scrap of parchment.  
  
_Seventh years wishing to enter will meet in the Room of Requirement at midnight tonight – Friday January 4th. Dares will be chosen, etc. Bring your wands._   
  
"Well, I sincerely hope you're not forcing me to participate in this rubbish." Lavender and Parvati began giggling uncontrollably.   
  
"Please, 'Mione!" Ron said excitedly. "You can keep check on me and Harry. Ginny's going to be there – it will be fun!" There was obviously something they weren't telling her. She sighed.  
  
"Alright then. But you owe me big time. If I wasn't in such a decent mood after last week I'd say no for sure, but... well... OK..."   
  
The gang (minus Hermione) went back to whispering in their corner. She sighed. There was a funny sensation beginning in her stomach that told her she'd just made a massive mistake.

* * *

The Room of Requirement had become a large, circular space lined with cushions for the meeting. Hermione's uneasy feeling tripled when she noticed the gang of Slytherins.   
  
"Harry! Why the hell didn't you tell me those gits would be here?" Harry instinctively cowered back.  
  
"Well...look Hermione, I'm really sorry...I knew you wouldn't come otherwise..." She stormed towards the exit, but it had sealed itself. Everyone was present.   
  
"Damn. Damn. Damn. Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley, I am going to KILL you!"   
  
Ginny got to her feet hesitantly.   
  
"Well," she began, "You all know why we're here, I guess... I'm kind of representing Fred and George – I'm gonna make sure none of you guys cheat or anything. OK. Everyone put your wands in front of you. Right. POINT US!"   
  
The circle was illuminated with eight colours between the wands.   
  
"Now," Ginny continued, "Whoever has the same colour as you at the end of their wand is your partner. Go and stand by them." Hermione had a feeling she knew what Ginny was going to say next. She groaned when she saw Pansy Parkinson heading for her. Harry had got Draco and Ron, Goyle. As if on cue, Ginny said, "Your partner will decide your dare and you your partner's." Hermione's feelings were turning out correct too often for her liking. Pansy grinned ecstatically.   
  
"When I point to you, you will tell me your partner's dare. This dicto-quill will record the exact terms of the dare for future reference. Anyone wanting to take a look should come and see me. By the way, these dares last up to graduation. There's no backing out. You were under oath from the second you stepped into this room. When everyone's finished I will cast a second spell to make sure you keep exactly to the terms of your dare. Most of you know my hexing ability – I would not like to have to demonstrate. Please keep to the rules.   
  
"Right, I think that's the formalities out the way. You first then, Terry." The Ravenclaw prefect looked up and said:  
  
"Lavender has to tell Flitwick at least once a lesson she has foreseen that they will be married and have nine children." Everyone sniggered and Lavender gave Terry a death glare.   
  
"OK," said Ginny. "Lavender next." She pointed to the blonde witch.   
  
"Terry must insist he's allergic to Hagrid and run away sneezing every time he sees him." Ginny turned to her brother.   
  
"Goyle," Ron said, grinning, "has to stand on the Slytherin dinner table at least once a week and declare his undying love for Madame Hooch in the form of a self-written poem. All the teachers must be able to hear and Madame Hooch must be present." Malfoy whispered something in his bodyguard's ear before his turn and he turned to Ron, saying confidently:  
  
"Ron has to yell a random statement such as, 'Rabbits do not eat chocolate cake' at every single meal – and he has to attend every meal – so the teachers can hear. He will give hints that he needs mental treatment every now and then." Ginny's finger moved to Blaise Zambini.  
  
"Seamus must decorate every Transfiguration essay with love hearts and on the bottom write: 'by Seamus Finnegan, who is madly in love with Minerva McGonagall'. He is to do this even if he is told not to, even if he is given detentions or loses points." Seamus turned brick-red and retorted:  
  
"Blaise is going to fake falling asleep at the beginning of every Herbology lesson, and will refuse to wake up even if prodded, yelled at, or tickled." The dicto-quill finished scribbling and Ginny's finger moved on again.  
  
"Ernie," began Padma Patil, "must spend every Wednesday and Saturday in total silence. If he wants to answer a question in class he must write it down."   
  
"Padma," Ernie said, dumbstruck at his not-evil dare, "Has to suck her thumb in Potions. She must not stop under any circumstances until she is completely out of the door. If the potion requires using two hands, she must get someone to do those bits for her."   
  
Harry was almost shaking at the thought of what Malfoy would make him do, so he made his partner's dare as funny and unkind as possible while he had the chance.   
  
"Draco," he smirked, "must stand on the table with Goyle while he does his dare, then when he's finished he must sing at least two verses of a love song to him and beg him to love him and not Hooch. He must ask him to marry him." The Gryffindors laughed loudly, Malfoy scowled and Goyle – did he just blush?!  
  
"Harry," Draco said venomously, "must ridiculously faint at least once a week in the middle of dinner, clasping his scar and yelling: 'He's back! He's back! Mummy, Daddy, help me!'" It was the Slytherins' turn to laugh now. Ginny looked sympathetically at Harry before pointing to Parvati. The dares were starting to get embarrassing.   
  
"Loony – oops, I mean Luna – must never stop wearing a t-shirt depicting one of those Crumple-Horned Snorkack thingys. She must loudly explain to someone at least once a day that 'yes, they do exist – really!' She must try to sell one of these t-shirts to someone at least once a week. One of these people must be Dumbledore." Luna scowled, obviously about to start defending the Snorkacks' existence, when Ginny interrupted.   
  
"Luna? Parvati's dare, please." Still looking daggers at anyone foolish enough to snigger, Luna said:  
  
"Parvati must do a strip-tease in front of the teacher's table during dinner. Dumbledore and Snape must be present. When she is naked, she will give Snape a lap dance. Between now and graduation, she must do this three times." Parvati's grin fell promptly.   
  
"WHAT?!" she yelled, pouncing at Luna. The two girls were on the floor fighting, until someone had the good sense to put them both in a body-bind. Ginny said simply:  
  
"Ignore them," and pointed to Neville.  
  
"Err," he stuttered, "Once Goyle has done his dare, Crabbe must jump on the table and wait for Draco to do his bit. Then he must very loudly announce his homosexuality and snog Draco and Goyle. He must do this every time the others do it." The non-Slytherins started wetting themselves thinking of what would be happening at mealtimes soon. Crabbe, with his fat fists clenched, began:  
  
"Neville must tell Snape at least once a lesson that he invented Veritaserum and is only pretending to be crap at potions." Poor Neville looked ready to faint, but Hermione thought he had got off fairly lightly. Hermione began inadvertently trembling as it neared her turn. First, though, she got to do Pansy's dare.  
  
"Pansy has to watch Crabbe's dare, then jump on the table herself and yell 'How could you?! I thought you loved me!" at Crabbe, throw food at everyone and run out sobbing." _Gods_, Hermione thought, _even if I have to snog FILCH it'll be worth it to see this little episode every week!_ Pansy blanched and then recovered, grinning evilly again.   
  
"Hermione must snog Snape passionately at the beginning of every potions lesson. She must blow him kisses suggestively whenever she catches his eye or passes him in the corridor. When she gets an essay back from him, she must sit on his lap, throw her arms around him and thank him whole-heartedly for her grades."   
  
Hermione glanced around at the horrified expressions on all but the Slytherins' faces. She felt about ready to faint herself.

* * *

**A/N **

**This is my fist fic, so don't be too harsh. I know it's awful! I don't have a beta or anything so there's probably a lot of mistakes – though I've corrected as much as possible.  
  
Anyways please please please R&R! I welcome (constructive) criticism too so whatever.  
  
Love you guys!!**


	2. Let Battle Commence!

**A/N  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah blah blah.**

**I am aware that luna should only actually be a sixth year, but it was too late to change it so ive resolved that in chapter three, so please no flames about that. **

**this story is also up at ashwinder (sycophant hex) where chapter 4 will be posted today, if anyone's interested. Please review me here though!**

* * *

**Chapter Two – Let Battle Commence!**

_Hermione glanced around at the horrified expressions on all but the Slytherins' faces. She felt about ready to faint herself._  
  
Harry ran sideways and caught Hermione just before she fell on Luna. Ginny's face had gone a rather unnatural shade of green and Ron's was clashing terribly with his hair.   
  
"Ginny!" he said in a worried voice to his little sister, "That's got to classify as life-threatening!" Sadly Ginny shook her head and mumbled:  
  
"No." She tentatively looked up through her curtain of red hair and continued, "Since Snape isn't a registered dangerous animal or anything..."   
  
"He should be!" Neville squeaked. Even the Slytherins privately agreed.   
  
Hermione began twitching convulsively.   
  
"Dreaming...Dreaming...All a dream..." she moaned. Suddenly she woke and yelled: "BLOODY WEASLEYS!!! I AM GOING TO KILL _ALL_ OF YOU!!!"  
  
Ron laughed rather shakily and replied:  
  
"You should go easy on the death threats, they're losing their power." Hermione stalked over to the door.  
  
"Err, right then," said Ginny nervously. "I should finalize this. _Decerto_!"  
  
The door flickered and reappeared. Hermione ran out, slamming it behind her so the hinges bounced. "Everyone back to bed – Filch was bound to have heard that!" Ginny ran after her friend, dicto-quill and parchment stuffed into her bag. Soon the rest followed. In fact, there were so many of them that the mouldy caretaker didn't know which one to chase first. By the time he had fetched Snape, only the Slytherins hadn't had time to return to their dormitories from the seventh floor and were caught.   
  
Hermione collapsed onto her bed in the Head Girl's room, shaking with sobs and hugging Crookshanks to her. Why the hell had she gone tonight? Why did she have to be so curious? Why did she have to get the worst dare imaginable? _OK,_ she reasoned, _I wouldn't want to be Parvati right now either... _but her mind wasn't working that way now. She wondered what would happen if she refused to do it, but that didn't really appear to be an option.   
  
The most terrible thing was, the dare itself didn't seem too awful. Gods, she _wanted_ to kiss him! She wondered what had gotten into her. _Snape?!_ Only the biggest, greasiest bastard in the history of civilization... _But he's not!_ She thought angrily, remembering his work for the Order. She respected him in a way she could respect no one else. What was so bad was the fact that she would be forced to act like she didn't know what he did – like she _didn't_ respect him. If this wasn't going to get her expelled, she would kiss Dumbledore as well.   
  
Tiredness overcame her and she lay down, still fully clothed, and crawled under the covers. The last thought to cross her mind was to tell the headmaster about the competition - but she knew she had to play to the rules of it – telling would surely get her nicely jinxed. She remembered Marietta's spots from her fifth year and sniggered. No, she definitely didn't want to end up like that...

* * *

The morning came, a beam of light hitting her bed from the high window in the wall above. She groaned, memories flooding back, and turned over. At least there was no Potions until Tuesday.   
  
Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she sat for a while and contemplated her dare. She came to no conclusions, except the fact that she would be more ready to face Harry and Ron after a nice shower.   
  
An hour later she found herself in the library as usual. Breakfast was uneventful, but for Ron's:  
  
"THIS TOAST IS VERY NICE!" which earned him several weird looks from around the room. Hermione noticed Dumbledore looked amused rather than angry, as though he knew Ron was under obligation and was not going insane. She couldn't wait for dinner when, she'd heard, Parvati was stripping, Harry was fainting, Draco, Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle were on the table yelling, Terry was sneezing, Luna was selling Dumbledore a shirt and Ron was coming up with another statement.   
  
She hunched over her book, wishing that it was still yesterday and she could back out. She wished she'd never given back the time-turner. She wished she had anyone's dare but hers...OK, maybe not.   
  
Sadly, her wishes did not come true.

* * *

Dinner approached, and if the teachers noticed the seventh years giving each other odd glances all day they didn't say anything. Hermione sat in her usual seat between Harry and Ron, argument forgotten for the moment as they waited for the show to begin. Sure enough, as soon as Hagrid entered, Terry yelled:  
  
"Help me! I'm allergic! _A-A-A-Achooo_!" Many eyes followed as he ran dramatically past the gamekeeper, sneezing all the way. Harry's smile, Hermione noticed, faded quickly as he remembered his dare was still to come.   
  
After the teachers had resumed eating and the chatter began again, Ron cleared his throat loudly and yelled:  
  
"I NEED PSYCOLOGICAL TREATMENT!" the Slytherins erupted in laughter and even Snape grinned a little as if in agreement with the statement.  
  
They had just started on some lamb chops when Luna swept dramatically up to the head table carrying a Snorkack shirt.   
  
"Professor Dumbledore," she began, aware of every pair of eyes in the hall on her back, "I've made these _lovely _shirts for the conservation of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack and I wondered if you've like to buy one. It's only one single Sickle! You see, they are suffering greatly because they often get hit by muggle skiers in Sweden, and wizards won't help because they are adamant they don't exist..." Hermione noticed the fact that Luna seemed incredibly genuine about it all. _And where had those shirts come from, anyway?_ Gods, she hadn't had them already, surely?!! She was pulled from her thoughts by Dumbledore's reply.  
  
"Well of course, my dear! I should love to support your cause. You know, in my youth I was fortunate enough to see one of these amazing creatures...I'm sure if you continue along the row, some other professors will buy one too." He handed some coins over (Hermione was rather shocked and got an urge to yell: 'Loony only said ONE Sickle, you idiot!') and looked down the row of teachers. Snape's features were contorted once more into his trademark scowl and the others looked less than impressed. Luna practically sprinted out of the hall and her footsteps echoed on the stairs in the silence.   
  
Dumbledore had only just put on his shirt (it looked utterly ridiculous – a stick-like bony creature charmed to speak constantly, exclaimed: 'Help, I'm endangered!' over and over again –the headmaster silenced it quickly) and picked up his fork when Goyle got cautiously onto the table and began.  
  
I_ was asked to write a poem  
  
But I don't know where to start  
  
It's about a flying teacher  
  
Who's always in my heart.  
  
I'm not very good at poems  
  
Or anything else I do  
  
But at least I really mean it  
  
When I say, 'Hooch, I'll always love you!"_   
  
By the last line Draco was up on the table. He began to sit loudly and tunelessly:  
  
**_It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside  
  
I'm not one of those who can easily hide  
  
I don't have much money, but boy if I did  
  
I'd buy a big house where we both could live!  
  
If I was a sculptor, but then again no  
  
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show  
  
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do  
  
My gift is my song and this one's for you  
  
bAnd you can tell everybody this is your song  
  
I know it's quite simple, but now that it's done  
  
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind  
  
That I put down in words how wonderful life is while you're in the world! _**  
  
He finished singing and said passionately:  
  
"Goyle! Don't love her, love me! I can't get you out of my head! Please, marry me!"   
  
Goyle was saved having to answer by Crabbe, who had just got on the table too. It was getting full already – the food had to be squashed to one side and even so Crabbe managed to step in some mashed potato. Looking daggers at the Gryffindors, he yelled:  
  
"I am not heterosexual!" very loudly and threw his podgy arms around both of the others. He kissed Draco passionately first, then Goyle. The sick thing was, he looked like he was _enjoying_ it.   
  
Hermione glanced over at the head table and noticed Snape was rooted to his chair, looking as though he was about to be sick. _Ooh,_ she thought, _he's got a shock in store for him!_  
  
By the time Hermione's gaze returned to the snogging Slytherins, Pansy had jumped up on the table, bowl of mashed potato in hand.  
  
"How could you?! I thought you loved me, Draco! I'll never trust a man again!" she wailed very convincingly and proceeded to throw the mashed potato at the blond. As she staggered backwards and ran out of the hall, there was an almighty crash and Malfoy and his bodyguards had fallen over, covered in gravy and mashed potato from the table. The Gryffindors howled with laughter, clutching their sides. It was then they noticed Parvati heading out to the front.  
  
Music appeared out of nowhere as the nervous Gryffindor stopped at the head table. Nearly all the males present had their eyes glued to her as she started dancing. She now had no robes and sported a tiny bit of cloth round her waist (was it really a _skirt_?) and a tank top.  
  
Hermione felt very compelled to turn away and hide under the table until she'd finished but found herself rooted to the spot. By now the only clothing left were fish-net stockings and a lacy bra and thong set. Gods, even _Dumbledore_ was staring!!   
  
In her peripheral vision, Hermione noticed Snape was struggling to take his eyes off Parvati. She knew he would be extremely mad at himself for not being able to. She thought of what was coming next, and giggled.   
  
Next to her, Ron was gaping like a fish and Harry had somehow managed to tear his eyes away to the floor. Parvati had now lost the fish-nets and the bra. Soon the thong was gone too and she shimmied over to Snape, who by now was also gaping with a mixture of lust, embarrassment and extreme anger. Hermione found it very hard to believe this man had any sort of sex life.   
  
Snape sat back, rigid, as Parvati began her lap dance. She was sure he was trying to close his eyes but just couldn't. As the whole hall burst out with side-splitting laughter once more, the naked girl ran quickly out of the hall. Harry stopped laughing – psyching himself up for his dare.   
  
About ten seconds later, when the puddings had appeared in an attempt to calm everyone down, Harry screamed loudly and promptly fell backwards off the bench.   
  
"He's back! He's back!" he said as loudly as he could considering he had just hit his head very hard on the floor. "Mummy! Daddy! Help me!" Hermione and Ron helped him stagger out of the hall amid peals of laughter to complete his dare.  
  
As soon as they were out of earshot, they collapsed on the stairs and shook with hysterical giggles. The thought that this had to continue until July didn't faze them, nor did the thought of snogging Snape, or blowing suggestive kisses. All they could think about was the four Slytherins they hated most getting covered in mashed potatoes, singing love songs and making up poems.   
  
"Oh Harry," Ron choked after a while, "That dare was bloody brilliant! His singing! Oh!" He could say no more as he collapsed again.  
  
"Glad you find it so amusing," came Parvati's voice from a little way above them. "Personally I'm wondering whether to jump off the Astronomy Tower." Ron's face fell.  
  
"Gods, Parvati, if I knew you had a body like that I would've asked you out years ago!" She blushed and retorted:  
  
"I wish I didn't, I'm scarred for life by Snape now." Harry looked quizzically at her and she continued in an undertone, "Don't tell anyone 'cause I'll be skinned alive, but that guy was _seriously_ aroused!!"  
  
Hermione, Ron and Harry stopped smirking, stopped rolling around on the stairs, and almost stopped breathing.  
  
"He was _WHAT_?" they said together.   
  
"He was totally turned on!"   
  
Hermione ran all the way back to her rooms, about to die with the concept that Snape actually had desires.

* * *

**A/N   
  
Wow that chapter was so much fun to write!!   
  
The poem, I made up (luckily Goyle wrote it so I didn't have much of a standard to live up to!) and the song was the first bit of 'Your Song' by Elton John. I don't know why I thought of it, I just did. Ooh, I have to have more songs for future chapters don't I... this will be interesting. !!  
  
Decerto (apparently) is Latin for 'fight to the finish' or 'contend', just in case you wanted to know. :)  
  
Thanks to anyone who's already reviewed (at ashwinder or here), if you haven't the button's just down there and it's longing to be clicked. ;) lol. **

**love and hugs, ss13**


	3. Snape's Desires

A/N Here's the next chapter, enjoy!

To Barbas: The dares last up to graduation, as stated in chapter 1.

MessengerOfLight: thanks, I might take you up on that offer someday!

thanks for reviewing, everyone!

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Three – Snape's Desires**

_Hermione ran all the way back to her rooms, about to die with the concept that Snape actually had desires._

That morning, Hogwarts' Head Girl woke from the worst dream she'd ever had the misfortune to have. By the Gods, she'd _enjoyed_ seeing Snape, err, naked. She was going to have to get that thought _right_ out of her head. She absent-mindedly had a colder shower than she usually did to wake herself up a bit. She then collapsed in giggles thinking what Snape might use cold showers for.

* * *

At breakfast, she got the worst shock of her life when she noticed the afore-mentioned Potions Master staring at her. _Oh Merlin_, she thought. Gathering her courage, she tilted her head slightly and blew him a kiss, fluttering her eyelashes more than was strictly necessary.

Snape appeared to have had a bucket of icy water tipped over him. He sat unmoving for what seemed about ten minutes. Seizing this golden opportunity, Ron yelled his statement:

"Professor Snape doesn't know how to breathe!"

This outburst snapped Snape out of his trance. In fact, he got up so suddenly the staff table in front of him fell right over. With an almighty crash, the professors became covered in food and no longer had the company of their plates. Some looked angry, some amused, and some seemed not to have registered what had just happened.

In the confusion that ensued, not many people noticed the irate, greasy teacher fleeing breakfast. Or the two camera flashes that caught everything.

Several minutes of chaos later, Dumbledore righted the table with a flick of his wand. The staff were now clean, the floor was clean and nothing was smashed anymore. The headmaster still had that damnable twinkle in his eye, as though he was having a great deal of fun.

Across the table from them, a certain Colin Creevey showed the Golden Trio his camera surreptitiously.

"I got two photos," he whispered.

* * *

Charms was first, and Lavender came in last in a very bad mood. Hermione distinctly heard Parvati say:

"You don't have to deal with the overgrown bat's _thing!"_ to her blonde friend, who blushed scarlet and put up her hand.

"Yes, Miss Brown?" piped the tiny professor, perched on his stack of books as usual.

"Well Sir, it's like this," she began, losing the blush and grinning seductively, "I made a prophecy the other day, and it told me we were to be married and produce nine children." The class was fighting back giggles, but the poor teacher was shaking like a leaf. The tremors eventually became too much for his book pile, which promptly collapsed. On the way down, Flitwick's head connected with the desktop with a sharp crack.

Thus their lesson ended with levitating their unconscious professor to the Hospital Wing.

* * *

Following lunch ("Snape dreams of Parvati's _features!"_) was the dreaded lesson: Potions. Neville was trembling, Padma was looking around nervously and Hermione, in spite of all better judgement, was grinning profusely. This would teach Snape to be so damned unfair! If he so much as took a point this lesson, she was using her back-up plan. And if he thought her dare was bad, he should wait till she showed him what she could do on her own!

The dungeon was dark and gloomy as ever. She had a few ideas for down here, as well... As they lined up outside the classroom, her nerves caught up with her. She could trust the Potions Master with her life – that she knew – but could she trust him to leave her alone if she was going to be like this to him? She honestly wasn't sure if he would take advantage. Then another thought crept into her head, totally unbidden and definitely unwelcome:

_You wouldn't mind if he came on to you, would you?_

That was just downright disturbing, but she didn't have time to wonder more now. The door was open and there he stood, trademark sneer still in place as though it had been his twin at breakfast making a fool of himself.

He ushered them in, and Hermione waited until last. The door slammed behind her, and suddenly it all became very real – it wasn't just a funny game anymore; she actually had to do it.

"Err, professor," she said tentatively, moving closer. He looked up but before he could say anything she was on him, pressing her mouth on his. The class (minus the Slytherins, who looked faintly sick) erupted in cheers, not really caring about points or detention anymore. They were just out now to have fun, and Hermione's strength of will returned.

She shoved her tongue into his mouth so no one could say she hadn't done it properly, then let go as quickly as she could without making it look like a dare. As she walked to her seat, she swayed her hips a little more than she usually did, and was awarded with Snape staring very much like he had with Parvati.

A second later, making her think she had imagined his reaction, his face contorted back into the emotionless mask it usually was. Then the storm hit.

"MISS GRANGER, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO ME?" Hermione decided that a job worth doing was worth doing well, so put on her best smile and replied innocently:

"I just kissed you, sir – you looked like you needed it." Padma started laughing hysterically, but sadly that sound came out weirdly due to her thumb which was obediently stuck in her mouth.

Snape's face did a funny thing then. First it went purple, like he was angry, then it went red, like he was embarrassed, then green, like it was all getting too much and he was going to be sick. Then he noticed Parvati's twin, who was choking on her thumb.

"Miss Patil, may I ask what you are doing?" he inquired in his quiet, silky tone which told anyone clearly that being polite was not his scene and he would much rather be ripping their heart out with a blunt object.

Padma coughed one last time and said awkwardly:

"'es, 'ir, if 'ou 'ike." Snape turned purple again, the vein in his temple pulsating.

"Miss Patil, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" his voice started off dangerously low, but broke into a yell as though containing his anger had become too much.

"I'm 'ucking my 'umb, 'ir." Beside Hermione, Ron and Harry finally burst out laughing.

Snape whirled around and whispered:

"Miss Patil, Miss Granger, detention for an entire month with Filch! Now, instructions are on the board. GO!"

Neville, still shaking, managed to explode his cauldron within the first quarter of an hour. Luckily, though, Snape was over quickly and it did no damage. Hermione nudged her partner. Now was the perfect time for his dare.

"Longbottom," hissed Snape, "Once again I find you are incapable of brewing the simplest of potions. That will be, let's see, twenty points from Gryffindor."

"But I invented Veritaserum!" Neville choked out, terrified. "I'm only pre-pre-pretending to be awful, sir!" Snape's lips curled as though he found the dare amusing.

"Well then, Longbottom, since you know so much about your wonderful invention, you won't mind a month's worth of detentions with me to brew some more, will you?"

"N-no sir, I'd be honoured." Snape's lip curled further.

"Good. Well, everyone pack away. A labelled sample of your potion will be left on my desk. You are free to go. Detentions begin this evening at seven – Filch's office. Not you, Longbottom, you'll come here." Bringing her sample to the front and blowing a kiss at the maddened teacher, Hermione left the room. Padma was close behind her, and as soon as they were out of the dungeons they let out huge screams of laughter.

"Oh, Hermione, you should've seen his face when you snogged him! He looked like Christmas had come early!" They giggled helplessly for another minute or so.

"Too bad we got detention, but I reckon it's worth it."

"Yeah, I reckon so too. You know, I'm beginning to enjoy this." Hermione grinned, then grabbed Padma's arm and dragged her to lunch.

"I've got this plan," she said as they walked, "But you mustn't tell a soul just yet. Meet me outside my rooms after dinner, then we can go to detention. I tell you, it will _totally_ wipe that arrogant smirk off the bastard's face."

She sat down at the Gryffindor table, looking around. The news had spread fast and everyone was having more laughs at Snape's expense. _Good_, she thought. _That's exactly the thing I intend to make sure keeps happening..._

* * *

In the entrance hall after lunch, quite a crowd was gathered. Something was frantically squeaking and Luna's dreamy voice drifted lazily towards them, soothing the creature.

"There, there, Dizzy," she said to it, then turned to the crowd. "Don't stare at him so much, he gets scared!" Quite without warning, the thing pounced at Lavender. Hermione was able to get a better view. It did, indeed, have crumpled horns and almost exactly matched the picture on Luna's shirt. It's skin was boulder-grey, and Hermione wondered how skiers managed not to notice them.

It had long, bony fingers which were currently clawing at the poor blonde's eyes. The thing was mad – it wouldn't listen to Luna (if, indeed, it could hear her) and appeared to be very strong. No one was able to get it off, and no one really wanted to go near it.

The disturbance had fetched several teachers who quickly knocked the Snorkack out with well-placed stunning spells. Luna was crying and screaming:

"Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!" while doing a hysterical dance. It was then that Hermione realised – _they **do **exist_! She didn't have time to contemplate the matter more, however, as the headmaster came sweeping towards them. He levitated Lavender, whose face was scratched and bleeding. Sending her with Professor McGonagall up to the Hospital Wing, he turned to Luna.

"I'm afraid you have taken circumstances out of my hands, Miss Lovegood. I let you skip a year because of your amazing OWL results, but it seems I was rather mistaken. Ah, the mistakes of an old man. It has come to my attention that your results might not have been totally genuine, is that correct?" Luna stood there snivelling and nodded silently.

"I would quite like to know," he continued, "How you managed to break my most powerful anti-cheating spells, but that will have to wait for another time. I am now moving you back to sixth year, and you will retake OWLs with the fifth years. I'm afraid you will have to take any side-effects this competition of yours might put on you. Let's try it. How about you take that shirt off?"

* * *

"Wow Hermione, that's brilliant!" Padma agreed to help with the Head Girl's anti-Snape plot. They arrived outside Filch's office, still giggling and discussing the finer points of 'Operation Greasy Git'. The fact that she wanted to snog Snape again did not occur to Hermione as a reason why she shouldn't humiliate him. She grinned evilly, as she was prone to doing recently.

Indeed, as they walked back to their respective towers two hours later, they left behind a very bemused Filch who was unable to understand why two students _enjoyed_ detention.

As Hermione lay in bed that night, she could still hear the peals of ridiculous laughter in her head as Luna turned into a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

* * *

A/N

Sorry if this chapter was a bit short. I admit I really just wanted Luna out the way but, seriously, there is a plot behind this! It will pick up by chapter five, where Hermione's plan is revealed. Believe me, it's funny!

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews I've had so far, keep 'em coming guys!

love you all, from,

ss13

PS: FORMATTING DONE NOW!! YAY!!


	4. Sunglasses, Anyone?

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* * *

A/N **

**Ok im back from vacation, sorry about that! Heres the next chapter – chapter fives coming today aswell. **

**I'm really sorry about the formatting on the last chapter – I swear I'll fix it, I thought I had done before I left but it didn't work so ill find time to do it again. hang on in there. **

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed – it really makes me feel good, keep it up!! **

**Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it!!**

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* * *

**Chapter 4 – Sunglasses, Anyone?**

They had McGonagall for Charms on Wednesday morning. It seemed Flitwick still had a severe headache. Strangely, halfway through, Madame Pomfrey ran in carrying a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

"Really, Poppy! Is this necessary?"

"Yes, Minerva, it is! This is Miss Brown!" the weird-looking creature surveyed the room with beady eyes, as their head of house choked.

"Poppy, I don't find your, ahem, _joke_ incredibly funny." The mediwitch looked irate.

"Minerva, would I do that sort of thing? And where would I get one of these..._creatures_?"

The students shared knowing glances – Lavender had missed a Charms class. She wasn't able to tell Flitwick about her prophecy. She had broken her dare.

* * *

At lunch, Padma scurried over to the Gryffindor table.

"Zambini turned into a sloth in Herbology!" she exclaimed. Hermione spat out her mouthful of pumpkin juice over Colin who was opposite her once again. She choked a bit and said:

"What?!" the twin giggled.

"You should be used to it – you saw Lavender, didn't you?" Hermione nodded.

"But... a sloth?! It'll take him half an hour to walk a metre!" Padma's giggles increased.

"I think it was because he was meant to be asleep for his dare (someone tickled him and he opened an eye) – sloths sleep all the time, don't they?"

"Yes," Hermione agreed, "I suppose so. And Lavender turned into a Snorkack because that was what caused her to miss her dare – if she hadn't been attacked by Luna's she wouldn't have had to go to the Hospital Wing and miss Charms. Mind you, Flitwick wasn't there anyway...she couldn't win..."

"I hear Hagrid's keeping them until they turn back – I expect that'd be at Graduation, wouldn't you? – anyway, nice selection of pets he's got now... I expect they'll be more soon too; Ernie can't last long without speaking on a Saturday, I reckon." Hermione nodded her agreement and shared a knowing glance with Ron. _Hagrid's had a LOT weirder pets than that, I assure you!_ she thought.

Ginny came and took the seat next to her then, so Padma returned to her table.

"Uh, Ginny, I need to tell you something..." Hermione leaned closer and whispered. She was telling her friend about the plan.

By the end the redhead was laughing hysterically and getting funny looks from her brother. She agreed to miss dinner the next day for 'Stage One'.

"Snape needs to get laid!" Ron yelled suddenly. He had decided ridiculing the Potions Master was the best use of his dare. Hermione couldn't agree more. It was rather amusing seeing their normally-calm teacher turning different colours.

Suddenly the Overgrown Bat was on them.

"I daresay I do," he began in a silky undertone which made Hermione shiver – whether in fear or desire she couldn't make out - "But I don't believe that's any of your business, Weasley. Fifty points from Gryffindor for your various inappropriate little anecdotes. If I didn't think you do, indeed, need mental treatment it would be a hundred." Casting a quick glance at Hermione, who blew him a kiss suggestively, he strode out of the hall. Over his shoulder he added:

"And another twenty for improper conduct towards a professor, Miss Granger." Hermione stared after him. She would get him back soon enough. Grabbing Ginny and Padma, she went to prepare for her plan.

* * *

In a disused broom cupboard somewhere on the third floor, the conspirators talked in low whispers.

"...know where I can get that," said the redhead.

"Camera kid'll give you those, won't he?" asked the twin, turning to the know-it-all beside her.

"Yes. But you need to bring the first three things."

"Right. Gods, I'm loving this. Brilliant plan!" The redhead turned back to the other two.

"I know," she said, "And now we won't even get lasting punishment 'cause they'll think it's a dare!" They sniggered evilly.

"OK guys," said the know-it-all after a while.

"We'll meet down there as soon as dinner starts. I'll bring the invisibility cloak for us three in case anything goes wrong. I might recruit some others to help us, I don't know. I'm also making a diversion to give us more time. Gins, remember your things. Then after we've done Step One, we'll go to my rooms to prepare for Step Two. We'll need your things at that point, Pad. I've got to go beg Colin now. Bye!"

Padma headed off in the other direction and the other two went straight to Gryffindor tower, still grinning in sadistic anticipation.

* * *

"Wow!" Colin said excitedly. "Of course you can!" Come with me, I'll show you the negatives and duplicate them. They'll be dry by tomorrow if you leave them in a safe place overnight."

The boy was still shaky and small, but she had to admit he was enthusiastic enough for everyone, which wasn't a bad thing in this case.

The dormitory was covered in photos from top to bottom. Hermione noticed he still hadn't gotten over his obsessiveness of Harry – there were at least thirty pictures of the Golden Trio scattered around. Getting out some chemicals and his wand, Colin began. There was no denying he was skilled at least with photography; in almost no time there was a pile of Snape pictures on the other end of the bed.

"Thanks, Colin," said Hermione, almost as excited as him now, "I swear they'll be put to good use!"

She ran all the way back to her Head Girl rooms and dropped the photos. The bloke wouldn't know what hit him when she used these for Stage Two.

Snape-in-photos looked livid. One picture showed him knocking over the table, and the other striding angrily away. In both, just as he left the snapshot the scene would start again. It was a bit like a video clip on continuous playback, she thought.

Heading back to the Common Room, she decided to recruit some helpers.

* * *

When she arrived, a pact was being made. Everyone was standing in a circle holding hands – they were promising to Ron (who was in the middle) that he could go on annoying Snape with his statements even if he took every housepoint they possessed. Hermione was surprised that they agreed to that – Gryffindors in general are obsessed with points. Deciding to make use of the good mood, she stood on the sofa and addressed the people below her.

"OK. I'm going to ask you some questions so could you please answer truthfully. If you don't and you get into this, it will be hard to get out of." She paused, gauging reactions. Taking a breath, she asked:

"Do you hate Snape?" There was an absolutely deafening chorus of:

"Yes, we hate Snape!"

"Do you want to do something about it?"

"Yes, anything!"

"Will you help me do it?"

"Of course!" Hermione grinned again.

"Gather round then."

* * *

Going down to dinner from the Hospital Wing that night, Professor Flitwick got quite a shock when he walked into a forest on the second floor. He yelped, but the trees swallowed the sound. There seemed to be no end to the wood that he was sure hadn't been there the day before. Still, he'd had a nasty knock on the head so maybe he was hallucinating. He decided to sit down and wait.

* * *

Two floors below, in the dark of the dungeons, fifty-six people exactly were crowded into the potions classroom.

"Right," began Hermione, "You know what to do if someone comes. Basically, we're buggered if they do but there's some ways to avoid severe punishment. Listen up." She drew them in closer and continued:

"If it's Snape or Filch, run quickly before they get a chance to react and take down our names. If it's Dumbledore or McGonagall, hang your head and look sorry. Actually if it's Dumbledore we're lucky – he's so off his rocker he'd probably just laugh – but anyway, if it's anyone else we tell them about the forest on the second floor. If they don't go away then, I'll disarm them while Ginny locks them in with us, OK? I know that's probably not the smartest plan but we've just got to finish this."

At that, everyone got to work. This was going to be one missed meal no one forgot in a hurry...

* * *

In the Great Hall, the teachers were baffled. One single Gryffindor sat at the second table. Ron had to be there to do his dare – which was actually a clever part of the plan.

"Snape's planted a forest on the second floor!" he yelled. This time he was lucky – only ten points lost. He guessed it was more if the statement involved any aspect of Snape's sex life. Feeling very exposed now there was nothing except food at the table with him, he ducked his head and stared intently at his plate.

At that moment, Peeves floated, cackling, into the hall. He was right on time. Ron had been lucky – Peeves had respect for Weasley pranks after Fred and George's days and had agreed to help this one.

"Professor Dumbledore, _sir_," he began in a sickly voice, "I've come to report a problem."

He glided towards Snape and pointed at him accusingly. "This _idiot_ - oops, sorry headmaster, I mean 'teacher' – has planted an enchanted forest on the second floor. Oh, and dwarf – oops, slip of the tongue again - how careless of me - I meant 'Professor Flitwick' – has got stuck in it."

Peeves cackled, still absent-mindedly poking Snape's chest. The potions master sat very still – glaring with all his might at the intruding finger as if it was likely to poison him. Peeves withdrew the offending digit quickly. Eventually Dumbledore sighed and said:

"Out, Peeves. Minerva – go and see if it's true." The Deputy Headmistress nodded curtly and left. Ron grinned as he followed his head of house at a distance as far as the first floor. There he let off some dungbombs and cast a charm which made the corridor fill with thick smoke. Peeves was going to guard the passage.

_That should make sure she's not back too quickly_, he thought, making his way down to the dungeons.

* * *

What he saw was...well...different to what he'd imagined. When Hermione had told him they were giving the dungeons a makeover he had not assumed she meant it _quite like this_.

The walls' base colour was a shocking shade of fluorescent pink, but they had used drying charms and painted vibrant yellow spots on top. One really needed sunglasses to go in there...but they had prepared for that. He grinned, noticing he had been grinning a lot recently.

Everyone turned to face the redhead, and there was no one present who didn't have the same grin on their face. They were getting the bastard back for years of torture at last! Ron said nothing but:

"Wow," in a small voice. There was just no other word for it.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the room was ready. The tricky charm Hermione had used on the banner to support Harry at his first Quidditch match had been performed on the walls, and they were flashing dizzyingly. It was making their eyes spin, in fact.

* * *

Finally, Hermione brought the very same banner to the back of the room and muttered a permanent sticking charm. It glued itself effortlessly to the wall, flashing 'Potter for President' proudly across the room. Snape would have a brilliant view of it right from his desk...

"Aww," said Ginny, "Isn't it cute? He's going to love it." Everyone wholeheartedly agreed. Then they picked up their (now much lighter) paint tins and brushes and headed to the Common Room to complain about their empty stomachs. But it was generally considered worth it, all in all.

Last to leave were Harry, Ron and Hermione, who surreptitiously placed a pair of dark sunglasses on their professor's desk before slipping under the Invisibility Cloak and following.

* * *

**A/N**

**Oh God I enjoyed writing that!! It's the first chapter I've actually laughed at a bit myself. Can you just imagine Snape's face when he sees it?!!!! **

**Please R&R, I love all of you so much! **

**ss13 **


	5. The Potions Master's Posters

A/N

Here's chapter five.

I swear, formatting will be sorted on ch. 3 soon!

Probably Snape's reaction is VERY o.c. but I had no clue how to write it really. This was a hard chapter to write for one reason or another but I hope you don't find it too awful. I also hope I'm still keeping to my PG-13 rating – that will probably have to increase for chapter 8 or so if nobody minds. Thanks to all my reviewers, I've responded most of them.

* * *

**Chapter 5 – The Potions Master's Posters.**

After helping to rid the second floor of the enchanted forest, Severus Snape swept down to his dungeons. He was in a _very_ bad mood. Little did he know things were about to get fifty times worse.

Hermione found Ginny and Padma already waiting outside her rooms when she arrived. It was still only half seven and the second stage of their plan had to be ready by morning.

"Hey guys," she said cheerily, thinking about the new-look potions classroom. "If you come inside, I'll show you the photos. Manage to get the others, Gin?" The redhead nodded, a smug grin on her face.

"And I've practised the charms – it definitely works!" Padma sniggered.

"The gross thing is," the twin began, "You could imagine him going for a slut like her." Ginny nodded.

"Imagine – captions under the pictures, something corny like: "Severus Snape says: 'I never carry my wand in my pocket, but when I think of Pansy I look like I do!'" Hermione giggled; captions seemed a good idea. The trouble was, deep down she knew she was falling in love with the mysterious professor.

It wasn't crystal clear why she was trying to humiliate him anymore, she mused. But it could work to her advantage – after all, who would guess her true feelings if she was doing this to him? She wondered if the staff had found the counter-charms for her forest yet.

After a minute or so lost in thought, she noticed Ginny's hand waving madly in front of her face.

"Uh, right, sorry Gin..." she muttered, snapping back to the situation in hand. "Let's get to work, then."

They gathered parchment, quills, ink and pictures and began.

* * *

At the beginning of the dungeon corridor, the Potions Master stopped. He was positive he hadn't left the classroom door open. Striding over, he received the worst shock of his unfortunate life.

This was _far_ worse than Dark Gatherings, even worse than picnics and daisies and first year Hufflepuffs and tea with Dumbledore.

His. Classroom. Was. Flashing. Pink.

He noticed he was screaming rather loudly and abruptly shut his mouth. Then he noticed the banner radiating coloured stripes around the already-fluorescent room and it fell open of its own accord again.

"Bloody Gryffindors!" he managed to choke out, before he noticed the sunglasses and abruptly passed out.

It was there the headmaster found him ten minutes later, and, with a sparkle in his eye, levitated him to the Hospital Wing.

* * *

It took Hogwarts' Head Girl a lot longer than usual to get to sleep that night. She couldn't get those different captions out of her head.

They had performed several tricky charms and eventually succeeded in making it look like Pansy and Snape were in a rather compromising position. She wondered what the aforementioned professor had done about his dungeon. The counter charm for the flashing was simple enough, and the paint's colour could be transfigured, but it would still look different compared to the bare stone it had been before. And the banner was permanently stuck there.

Then she realised the flaw in her plan. She _was the only student who could perform that charm!_ Then she remembered she had a month of detention anyway, so an extension wouldn't matter too much.

Before she fell to sleep, Hermione's last thought was something along the lines of: _is scrubbing off paint worse than cleaning cauldrons in detention?_

* * *

When Snape awoke somewhere in the small hours, he was still in the Hospital Wing. _That's_ _odd,_ he thought, _I don't remember coming here..._ then he remembered his classroom and very nearly fainted again.

He sat up slowly, trying to conduct his thoughts into a semblance of order. Eventually he decided to try and sort it out before classes began.

For now, he left the paint on there, knowing he could make use of it for a detention. Oh, that was a wonderful thought. The whole of Gryffindor in his dungeon for hours, stripping off the paint they so lovingly applied!

It still looked very different, though. And that bloody banner! No matter how hard he tried he couldn't remove it. _Obviously Granger's work_, he thought, _no one else could possibly do it. But I don't expect her magic's strong enough for it to last more than a couple of months._

"Hermione and her bloody dare!" he said out loud to no one in particular. Then he realised what he'd just said. Si_nce when has she been Hermione? _asked a voice in his head. Another one answered: _since about the time you started imagining her naked, probably..._

"Shit!" he said, again to no one but himself. He was falling for a student – and a _bushy-haired, know-it-all student, at that!_ But then again, he wasn't the only one to notice how she'd changed over the summer. He'd noticed a few boys had dared to ask her out recently. He'd also noticed she'd politely refused all of them, for no particular reason...

She really was extremely pretty, now he thought about it. With her hair all tamed and everything... In fact, she was beautiful. _Gods, I have to stop thinking like this... _There was a familiar lump growing in the region of his groin, and he sighed. It was time for a seriously cold shower – or maybe he could solve the problem another way...?

* * *

That morning at breakfast it was time for action. Following Hermione's instructions Ron yelled:

"Snape and Pansy got busy last night!" Then as an afterthought he continued: "If you don't believe me – look out there!" he pointed to the entrance hall, where Hermione herself had just entered from. She and Padma were late for breakfast because of Stage Two – the posters were now up all over Hogwarts with permanent sticking charms – although the Head Girl, too, doubted they would last more than a month or so.

She reached the table at the same time as an irate Snape, who proceeded to take thirty points and said in a dangerous whisper to the whole table:

"And if you dunderheads ever try a stupid prank like yesterdays again, you'll wish you'd never been born. As it is, the _entire_ house will be expected for detention tonight with me to remove it." A few people were quivering in their seats, but Hermione just giggled and blew a kiss.

"That's another ten points you've just lost then, Miss Granger. Is there something funny you wish to discuss with me?" Her smiled broadened. This was too perfect an opportunity to miss.

"Well yes, actually, Severus, there was." The whole school was watching now, open-mouthed. Snape stared.

"Will you insist on digging your own grave, Miss Granger? That another ten points you've just lost, and your detentions will continue daily until graduation, I think." Then he added quickly:

"With me."

Hermione could hardly believe her ears. He was doing her a favour, didn't he realise? Two hours a day with him up to graduation?! She laughed, encouraged, and said politely:

"I think you're getting mixed up, Professor. If I were digging my grave I would do it outside, not in here. And I believe you asked me what was funny? If you'd care to step this way, then..."

She couldn't stop the grin from spreading over her face as she beckoned him over to the door. At least half the school followed, and Dumbledore looked on with a maddening twinkle in his eye.

Snape's eyes flashed angrily. That girl was going too far now – but dammit! why was he so turned on by it? He followed grudgingly, dreading what new surprise was in store for him.

In the Entrance Hall, Hermione stopped and turned to face him. The first poster was on the door to the Great Hall, flashing a moving, groaning, naked picture of Snape and Pansy everywhere. She stared pointedly at it, and the professor turned around. About a hundred people were surrounding them, pointing to the door and conversing hurriedly in whispers.

Snape whirled around and yelped, staggering backwards onto her. She lay beneath him, noticing just how turned on he was and giggling helplessly.

"Alright there, Professor?" she asked, blowing him a kiss. He was too shocked to move. Harry, Ron, Ginny and Padma were skipping around singing:

"Snape got laid! Snape got laid! Snape'll be in good mood cause Snape got laid!"

"Comfy as this is, Severus," she said, purposefully rubbing her thigh against his and hearing his breathing hitch, "I do feel you maybe ought to move." The poor professor jumped up like he'd been stung and promptly deducted fifty points from Gryffindor before practically running away.

Harry, Ron, Ginny Padma and Hermione were the last to leave the scene of the crime, still giggling and (in Hermione's case) immensely looking forward to detention.

**

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**A/N**

**Well, there it is. Hope you liked it – I know it's a little patchy and short but I'll try to make amends soon. **

**please review! I know I always say this but I love getting them!**

**lots of love,**

**ss13 xx**


	6. The Flobberworm, The Frog, The Boarhound...

**A/N**

**Sorry about the delay in posting – there isn't really an excuse except my laziness so I wont bother to make one up.**

**anyway hope I am sort of forgiven, here is chapter six.**

* * *

**The Flobberworm, The Frog, The Boarhound and The Detention.**

"Right," said Fred Weasley with a wicked grin on his face, "I think it's time, don't you?" His twin knocked on the shiny door in front of them.

"I think so," George replied, walking in. The door clicked shut ominously behind them, sealing their fate. They were shut in the Headmaster's office.

Dumbledore sat, as ever, behind his desk and Professors Snape and McGonagall stood next to him. Both were wearing equal looks of weary distaste. The twins' grinned some more.

"You made an appointment, sirs?" he said, eyes twinkling and beard waggling.

"Yes, we did," began Fred, winking. "You may have noticed-"

"- Some strange things going on recently," finished George. "So we wanted to tell you -"

"- It's only a game," concluded Fred. "They only transfigure if -"

"- They break the rules." Snape's scowl deepened and McGonagall looked angry. Dumbledore, on the other hand, just chuckled and said:

"Yes, yes – I understand perfectly. While Severus and Minerva might not agree -" he glanced at his colleagues – "I find it rather amusing! A very nice change. I think we can allow everyone a much needed break this term, what with the Christmas holidays being so horribly spoiled... Yes, certainly we can.

"I find our students' grades have not dropped so far, and so long as that continues to be the case I have no worries. The ones who have turned shall just have to take NEWTs over the summer."

The twins looked dumbstruck. Never in their wildest dreams had they imagined the Headmaster would be so easy to convince.

"Thank you," Fred stammered after a while.

"The animals turn back at Graduation," George added. With that they left one amused and two confused teachers behind them and skipped out.

* * *

The dungeon corridor had never before seemed so melancholy to the Gryffindors as they headed out for detention. They knew they were in for a tough time – Snape wasn't, after all, about to take pity on them and let them off anytime soon. He had even made them miss dinner, although Ron had run in to do his dare quickly.

Despite the atmosphere and the almost empty Gryffindor points hourglass, the lions weren't really depressed. They had succeeded in giving the school a laugh – and if things went to plan, Dumbledore would award last minute points for Harry's defeat of Voldemort which would let them not be last anyway.

Walking into the classroom and reading the Potions Master's instructions on the board, they got to work again, sighing. It was going to be a long night – and a lot more tedious than the last one they had spent down here.

* * *

Snape only came in once for long enough to make sure everyone was working. They were – no one would dare disobey him. Even Hermione decided to play safe and do no more 'damage' to the snarky professor than the dare intended.

"I trust you will think twice before rallying your little Gryffindor support army anywhere near me again, Miss Granger?" he asked icily, smirking lazily at the working students before him. It was nearly half ten and they had already been there for nearly four hours.

"Y-yes sir," she stammered, not daring to say she wasn't the ringleader. She looked at the wall and picked at the chipping paint, not wanting to look at him to have to blow him kisses.

"Did no one ever tell you it's rude to have your back to the person speaking?" he drawled. She jumped and spun around, still looking downwards. "Ah," continued Snape with heavy irony, "So our resident know-it-all is too scared to look me in the eye. How sweet."

Hermione looked up nervously and blew the most flirtatious kiss she could under the circumstances. Then she remembered _she_ was supposed to be in control so said:

"Oh Professor, I wasn't _scared_, I was just embarrassed." Snape looked up with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Care to elaborate, Miss Granger?" He enunciated each word as though he were speaking to a very small child. And Hogwarts' Head Girl did _not_ like to be treated like a child, thank you very much. Reigning in her anger, she said smoothly:

"Well Professor, when you, uh, _fell_ on me this morning I noticed a very, uh, _strange_ reaction from you – know what I mean?" she winked at Parvati, who grinned. "And I was rather _flattered_ that someone as drop-dead gorgeous as yourself should experience that, uh, _reaction_, towards me."

Snape's eye was doing a funny thing – it kept twitching rapidly. He was so shocked, in fact, that he couldn't even formulate a scathing reply. He left very hastily, glaring back into the room as if daring anyone to so much as smile.

Needless to say, as soon as he was round the corner the entire room erupted in fits of howling laughter that made their sides hurt and tears roll down their cheeks.

* * *

In Care of Magical Creatures the next day, Terry tried to run away from Hagrid. The only problem was, a large lump of boarhound named Fang was in the way. He tripped and fell with a flash. Fang looked delighted; a friend of his own species! He had never liked Fluffy too much – not that he would (or could) admit it. It looked as though Hagrid had another pet.

* * *

The initial hype from the posters had only just died down when it was time for the second round of dares a few days later.

Snape, everyone noticed, had been uncharacteristically quiet since the house detention – although none but the Gryffindors knew completely why (they didn't tell for fear of another detention). He still had problems with his eye twitching now and again (usually when he encountered a poster without a silencing charm on it, or one of Hermione's more erotic kisses) but other than that his face was its normal expressionless mask.

The school came in and sat down to dinner gradually, most knowing that it was time for Round Two. Harry had bolted his food and done his dare when Ron yelled:

"Snape enjoys looking at those posters!"

He was going to have to be more imaginative with the comments, though, because not many people laughed like they had on previous days.

A few seconds later, Goyle got onto the table and began:

"Roses are red, violets are blue, Hooch you're so sexy, I'll always love you!" The Slytherins gasped and then all began talking at once.

"-Thought he was supposed to write it himself?" asked one.

"_He never wrote that – I've seen the first part before!_"

"I had a Valentine's card with that on!"

Everything happened very fast: first, Draco Malfoy jumped onto the table in a flash of bright light. Then when everyone looked again, Goyle was gone. Then the blond boy looked down.

"Aaagh!" he screamed. Below him was a large, oozy flobberworm resting in a gelatinous puddle on the salad.

Shakily, he began his dare – hell, he didn't want to change too!

" _Don't go changing to try and please me_

_You never let me down before..._

_Don't imagine you're too familiar_

_And I don't see you anymore_

_"I would not leave you_

_In times of trouble_

_We never could have come this far_

_"I took the good times_

_I'll take the bad times_

_I'll take you just the way you are._

_"Need to know that you will always be_

_The same old someone that I knew_

_Oh what will it take till you believe in me_

_The way that I believe in you..."_

Dumbledore chuckled, Snape had gone a funny green colour and his eye was twitching again, and McGonagall looked like she thought the dares were in very bad taste. (She had, though, received an essay from Seamus earlier that day). Then it was Crabbe's turn.

"I'm gay!" he stuttered, and kissed Malfoy. He reached for the flobberworm.

"Eeew!" announced a first-year Hufflepuff, who fainted. Crabbe, realising what he had to do, jerked back. He muttered something about it being disgusting, before another flash lit the hall and next to the flobberworm was an iridescent green frog.

_Oh well_, thought Hermione, _he's no loss. Anyway, a frog's better than a flobberworm!_

Hardly anyone even noticed Pansy do her dare amidst the hilarious laughter.

**A/N**

**Well, that's chapter six. hope it sort of lives up to expectations. As always, thanks to all my wonderful reviewers, I love you all!! Apologies if that appeared to be a filler chapter but I think you will probably agree it was necessary. I will get to the romance soon, I swear!**

**the song was 'Just the way you are' by billy joel.**

**hugs n kisses**

**slytherinserpent13 xx**


	7. Decisions and Inner Musings

** A/N**

**sorry this is a little late... caught up in the back-to-full-time-education rush, know how it is?! again, there is very little that is funny in this chapter but I had to do it to move the story along (yes, there is a plot!!). thanks anyone who is still bothering to read this, and especially those of you who reviewed! **

* * *

Chapter Seven: Decisions and Inner Musings

Severus Snape sat in his dark living room, silently. It had been a week since the Head Girls' first detention and still his eye wasn't back to normal. Oh, if there was one thing he couldn't _stand_ it was being humiliated! And yet, he couldn't find it in his heart to hate the girl as he should. Gods, quite the opposite...

He gripped his firewhiskey tighter and took a long gulp, though he was at least half way to being completely intoxicated already. If she wasn't a student he would gladly have taken her after the first time she kissed him – but no, it wasn't to be. He would have to wait. Funny, how all his self-control went out the window around her.

The last glowing embers in the hearth had completely died now, so he got up slowly and felt his way to the bedroom. He needed to get a grip on himself – Hermione had noticed more than once his reaction to her teasings. Oh, one day he would show her what it meant to mess with the Potions Master...

* * *

Hermione lay very still on her bed, stroking Crookshanks' fur absently and waiting for sleep to come. She knew she had been neglecting her revision for the last month or two, but, frankly, she didn't give a damn. For the first time in her life, she felt in control, pretty and popular. She had learned to love herself (and Snape) and it was wonderful.

She would not embarrass the man further, though, she vowed, amusing as it was. She would tell Ron to change the statements. She would still stand up to her professor, yes, but she didn't need to be unnecessarily rude. That was only being like him, and no one in their right mind would want that.

After all, she wanted him to be interested in her at Graduation, didn't she? No guy likes a girl who goes out of her way to humiliate him, she mused. And he was pissed enough at her as it was. _Oh Severus,_ she thought, _Graduation really can't come soon enough in some ways_. Little did she know, a certain sallow-skinned professor at that exact second was thinking the same thing – even more than he usually did at this time of year.

* * *

Hermione, Harry, Ron and Ginny made their way down to breakfast the next morning, disheartened. The dares were starting to get very boring. And now, Ron thought, he wasn't even allowed to ridicule Snape! But Gryffindor did need some points at the end of the year, they supposed, despite the pact.

"You might think your dare's bad, Harry," Ginny mused, "But I reckon Hermione's is ten times worse. Just be thankful Malfoy didn't think it'd be funny to make _you_ snog Snape." Harry shuddered at the thought, and Hermione blushed. She would gladly do a lot more than just kiss the git.

"I know, I know..." the messy-haired boy replied, kissing her. They had been an item since just before Christmas, and were really enjoying themselves.

"Oh you two, get a room," Ron chided, looking disgusted. Hermione rolled her eyes – the boy could be so overprotective sometimes. They headed through the doors to the Great Hall.

"Hey, Mione, you alright?" asked Ginny a moment later. "You look funny. Your eyes are all glazed over, and you've never blushed so much before."

"Oh Gins," the Head Girl said, "I swear I'll tell you soon enough, just not now. Privately." The redhead turned away, apparently satisfied.

* * *

That Wednesday, Dumbledore sat in his office, thinking. This animal thing was getting rather out of hand. Alright, a couple of students could take NEWTs over the summer, but not half a dozen! It would mean so much extra work for him, apart form anything else. And he doubted parents would be happy. He definitely needed to make sure people obeyed the rules of this game from now on.

"Minerva McGonagall's chambers," he said, sticking his head into the fireplace.

Soon, an annoyed McGonagall and a downright angry Snape were sitting in the office with him.

"You _know _my thoughts on the matter, Albus, so why you insist on asking my opinion again I'm sure I don't know."

Dumbledore sighed, wishing his Potions teacher could provide slightly more amiable company once in a while.

"I must admit, I agree with Severus on this one," put in McGonagall. "You've brought this upon yourself, Albus. You should have questioned those twins a lot more on the matter."

The headmaster did what he always did in uncomfortable situations: twinkled.

"I will notify the students that the failure to perform their dares will result in serious punishment from me. It will at least prevent any more from turning – I hope. As for the ones already in animal form, you know very well there's nothing I can do. The magic is simply unbreakable – that's all there is to it." His colleagues sighed, annoyed beyond belief.

"So you mean to say I have to put up with that insufferable girl having her thumb stuck in her mouth all lesson, every lesson? And Longbottom telling me he's invented Veritaserum – actually, scratch that, that's fairly humorous..."

"Pardon me, Severus," said McGonagall, "But I have to accept essays covered in lovehearts every week." the Potions Master snorted and wondered what the Head of Gryffindor would think if he mentioned what Hermione did to him before every class. Severus was well aware the Head Girl was Minerva's favourite student. And if the woman ever found out what his reaction to those times were, she would have his guts for garters, as the saying went.

Silence reigned for a few minutes, before there was a rather loud tap on the window (a pane of which promptly smashed) and a large, brightly coloured parrot flopped unceremoniously onto the desk. A note reading:

_I am Ernie Macmillan_ was attached to it's leg.

Snape's twitch returned twofold and he screamed (rather girlishly, it has to be admitted) in anguish before fleeing the room to return to the safety of the dungeons.

Minerva and Albus shared a knowing look.

"I think the man's finally lost it..." both were still muttering some minutes after.

* * *

Hermione turned to the redhead beside her.

"Well," she began slowly.

"Spit it out," said Ginny.

"Ok... I, umm... I fancy Professor Snape..." she said it very fast, as if hoping her friend wouldn't hear her.

"What?!" Ginny looked stunned. Fairly obviously, she had heard.

* * *

**A/N**

**sorry again for the seemingly pointless-ness of that. but I needed to cement Snape's feeling for Hermione so it didn't seem strange when I throw them in a relationship together. (ok, so im putting off writing the romance for as long as possible – ill need a lot of encouragement, hint, hint so id be pleased if you could drop in a review... thanks guys.**

**love, ss13 xxx **


	8. I'm Serious

**

* * *

A/N**

**Right, here it is at last – the bit you've all been waiting for (well, some of you dreading coz you think HGSS is sick – but you really shouldn't read a HGSS fic if this is you).**

**Don't flame too much coz ive never written a "romance" scene before.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight – I'm Serious**

Ginny looked up in disbelief. When she had gotten over the shock a bit she added:

"Well, umm... I know he's intelligent and a spy and everything but, umm..." Hermione nodded, knowing what her friend meant. He wasn't really the best looking guy on the planet, after all. Overall, though, the Head Girl thought the redhead had handled it rather well. And it felt good to have her secret in the open.

"I know Gin," she replied after a while. "But he's different, you know? I see another side... Now I really wish I didn't play those tricks on him – although it was rather funny and he did deserve it... Oh and he's a damn good kisser, too!" she giggled.

Ginny's eyes widened and she turned a little red.

"Hermione! Wait... you mean he snogs you back?!" Hermione smiled.

"Yeh, but don't tell anyone."

"I won't... wow, 'Mione, you could get lucky!"

"Are you sure? I'm kind of skinny and boring..." the redhead rolled her eyes and pinned her with a glare.

"Now, we are i not /i starting that again! How many more times: You. Are. Perfect."

Hermione smiled.

"Thanks, Gin," she said.

* * *

Draco Malfoy paced boredly. Alright, so his two bodyguards didn't know how to hold a particularly intelligent conversation but they were still company. He didn't even have Blaise to hang out with, and all Pansy ever wanted to do was... well, best not to think about that...

Boys like Draco do not like feeling like loners. It makes them angry. More specifically, it makes them vengeful. More specifically still, it makes them want to hex people like Potter, Weasley and Granger into next millennia. And that was exactly what he intended to do. Now, just how to go about it...

* * *

Severus Snape was more pissed off than he ever remembered being. Not only was his class being constantly interrupted by Veritaserum-inventors and thumb-suckers and he had a South-American macaw to look after (why Hagrid couldn't take him, he'd never know) but he couldn't get the Granger girl off his mind. It was getting to be a full-blown obsession now – and he hated it.

At her next detention if she so much as fluttered an eyelash at him he would not be responsible for his actions.

* * *

Hogwarts' Head Girl was bored, like most of the other people in the castle at that minute. She'd read all her textbooks, done all her homework and revised for NEWTs for more hours than she cared to count. She needed something to occupy her overactive imagination.

As usual in situations like this, her thoughts drifted down to the dungeons. Her detentions, in all honesty, were more of a pastime than a chore. He'd even let her grade essays the other day – really, did he not realise she like doing that?!

Even so, if she didn't get to kiss him properly soon she was going to kill herself with need. The kisses in the lessons were nice, yes, (and, she had to admit, there was something very arousing – although kinky – in being snogged in front of the entire class) but she wanted him to initiate it. She wanted him to want her. Hell, she wanted him to fuck her.

With these thoughts in her head, she decided to go down there tonight and get him.

* * *

Seven o' clock came slowly for once. Hermione made sure to wear her very shortest skirt and tame her hair into ringlets. She even found herself checking her appearance in the mirror as she exited her rooms.

Walking through the corridors she began to get a little nervous. After all, how do you go about asking your teacher for a snog? Not to mention the fact that he was twice as old as her.

Still, she thought as she reached the ominous-looking door to the Potions Classroom, in for a penny, in for a pound. Taking a breath, she knocked and slid inside. She wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing.

* * *

The Potions Master sat at his desk, grading third-year essays and waiting for Hermione to show up for detention. There was a knock on the door and she entered, wearing a very, _very_ short skirt and tank top that really didn't leave much to the imagination. He groaned quietly as she blew him a kiss and walked towards him. Did she really _have_ to do that?

He edged further under his desk to save his dignity but she noticed.

"Hiding something, Professor?" she smirked.

"Miss Granger," he snapped, "I don't believe I said you could come in your own clothes."

"Well sir," she countered, "I figured I'd be cleaning so I didn't want to get my robes to get, uh, _dirty_." she licked her lips in mock-innocence, and looked up at the ceiling. "Although I admit it is for your benefit rather than mine..."

"Very well," he sighed, trying to tear his eyes away and pretending the essays were more interesting. "I had thought you could grade some essays, but as you're so beautifully dressed for cleaning I think you can scrub those cauldrons instead." She rolled her eyes, knowing she was caught. Then she thought of something and grinned.

"Yes sir, I believe that would be appropriate." She saw him raise an eyebrow out of the corner of her eye but didn't look straight at him because of the dare.

She stalked over to the pile of dirty cauldrons, conjured some water and a scrubbing brush and got to work.

* * *

It didn't take Snape long to become entranced by her rhythmic movements, she noticed. In fact, she had a distinct feeling he was still nursing his rather... painful... reaction to her.

"Miss Granger!" he barked suddenly. She jumped slightly and then turned around.

"Yes, sir?" She blew a kiss and saw him visibly shudder. It was quite a nice sight. She came and leant over his desk so they were only inches apart.

Despite her obvious flirting, she was still rather surprised when he grabbed her head and pressed her lips to his. She moaned.

He was rougher and more demanding than he had been in class, yet gentler too somehow.

When she eventually came up for air she leant into him and whispered:

"If that wasn't real I'm going to kill you." He smirked.

"No, I'm serious..." he whispered hesitantly back. "Are you?"

"Yes," she said, smiling, as she lent down to kiss him again.

"I want you..." he said against her mouth. She sighed and walked around the desk towards him.

"I want you too," she said as she climbed into his lap and held him close to her.

"Stay with me tonight?" he asked. She just nodded and he locked the door with a flick of his wand. She felt safe with his arms around her.

* * *

**A/N**

**I'm really sorry chapters seem to be getting shorter but I had a point where I wanted to end this one. I'll try and do a longer chapter in the next update next week.**

**hugs, and thanks to all my wonderful reviewers as usual,**

**ss13 xxx**


	9. Do Memory Charms Work On Parrots?

**

* * *

A/N**

**I realise that some of you are now regarding the last eight chapters as 'a build up to the sex' as one reviewer put it - if I remember correctly. All I can say to justify this is that this is a HGSS fic. No one is ever going to totally agree with/enjoy every fic that ever gets written. All I can hope for is that you nice people who are enjoying this will continue to do so.**

**This chapter (I think) is slightly longer than previous ones so I hope I am somewhat redeemed for that. Also I hope this is a little funnier than the last couple, which I know were mainly rubbish filler. Apologies for the bit about Draco stuck in the last chapter. I know it was a little random.**

**I really am trying my best with this, honest! If anyone doesn't agree I can only say they have my permission to use my ideas and write their own ending.**

**Right, sorry about that long bitchy note but I just needed to clarify before I carry on.**

**Lots of love n hugs, especially to Pickles my most wonderful reviewer! (I'm sorry I can't thank you all but that would make this note even longer – quite a lot of reviews I have responded to, btw)**

**slytherinserpent13 xxx**

* * *

**Chapter Nine – Do Memory Charms Work On Parrots?**

Hermione blinked. In front of her, Snape frowned.

"Did you just feel that?" she asked, looking around for the source of the disturbance.

"Yes," he said, slightly louder than he'd intended. "That was magic. Dark magic. Someone's cast a spell on you."

Hermione gaped.

"D...dark magic? On me? B...but you felt it too, didn't you? How do you know it wasn't on you?" She got up from the comfort of the professor's lap and began to pace.

Snape sat, frozen, watching her. Something was evidently very wrong here.

"Because the spell was cast on you, Miss... Hermione... I can feel it – it's coming from you. Trust me, I know about these things. I suggest we try and trace the culprit and then we can maybe find out the nature of this incantation."

Hermione had drawn level with the end of the desk by now, however, and found she could go no further.

"Uh," she stuttered, "I don't think that'll be necessary..."

"Why is that?" he asked.

"I already know what it does."

He stared at her.

"What?! I mean... What does it do?"

She took a deep breath.

"Well... I can't walk away from you."

"What?!" Snape's vocabulary suddenly seemed to have shrunk to that one tiny word. Hermione motioned for him to stand.

"Try," she said. "Try and walk away."

He frowned and moved backwards a step or two, then stopped. There was a pause.

"Oh..." said Snape quietly, in a very un-Snapelike way. There was another pause.

"I don't understand," voiced Hermione suddenly. "Why would anyone want me stuck to you?"

Snape looked up, rubbing his temples.

"I can't say for sure at present... though I think that, although the spell is dark, it was not used with malicious intent. More like someone wanting to get revenge on you, I'd say. The fact that it's me you're stuck to will probably please them infinitely – after all, we are supposed to detest each other."

Hermione nodded, thinking. She was a little more comfortable now that there was a halfway logical explanation to some of the problem.

"I may help to know who cast the spell," continued Snape. He produced his wand from his sleeve and whispered a few words. Nothing happened. "Strange," he muttered. "I'll have to try something stronger..." He began chanting words Hermione didn't recognise.

A green light appeared at the end of Snape's wand and wound itself into two words:

'Draco Malfoy'.

"Idiot!" he snarled.

Hermione grinned.

"Well, it could be worse," she observed, "It could be _him_ I'm stuck to."

The grinning was evidently contagious – Snape was doing it too.

"Ah, yes," he said after a while. "How _fortunate _for me..."

Hermione had barely had time to register what he'd said before he was on top of her, gripping her tightly around the waist. Who would have guessed he was so... huggable...??! "Yes," he repeated, "Not such a bad arrangement after all..."

In the background there was a loud squawk. The parrot, apparently, was rather disturbed. Hermione could almost hear it thinking: _Mental images! Mental images! Help! Naked Snape! Nooooo!_

"Bloody bird!" Snape shouted, letting off a long string of obscenities the like of which Hermione had never heard before. The twitch in his eye was back with a serious vengeance. "Obliviate!" he yelled. "Silencio!" the rest of his sentence was lost under another wave of imaginative expletives. Hermione giggled. It seemed her professor had really had enough of that bird for the time being – which wasn't surprising; he wasn't known for his patience at the best of times, but when surrounded by a noisy bird he didn't even _want_...

She noticed the object of her professor's tirade was looking quite badly off after its adventures of the past few days. Its once-colourful feathers were green, silver and... _pink???_ and lay in clumps between bald patches where it appeared the Potions Master had been having a little fun with inventive hexes.

As she looked closer, she noted the bird had a rather lost look in its eyes. Almost like, say, it couldn't remember what it had been doing for the last few hours.

"I didn't know memory charms worked on parrots?!" she exclaimed, still giggling at Snape's insinuations as to the parrot's relationship with its grandfather. The professor smiled half-heartedly.

"Neither did I. But I suppose he's not a real parrot. We'd better go, anyway. Dumbledore'll have to know. You'll have to come to my chambers tonight I expect – there's no way we'll have found a counter-curse until morning – if there even is one." There was a sparkle in his eye and she smirked.

"Let's go then," she said.

As they exited, the parrot looked up gleefully. Memory charms, as it happened, did _not_ work on parrots. Ernie was going to have a lot of fun telling people of their darling Head Girl's private life come Graduation. Gods, that seemed like years away. Although it was good he would have time to get over the initial shock himself. After all, it isn't everyday you come upon a scene like... well, a scene like that. He was just glad it hadn't got past the kissing stage – otherwise he might've been 'sick as a parrot', and no pun intended.

* * *

Hermione sighed. Their search for a cure had been pretty fruitless. The curse seemed to be a mixture of several they had seen. Now it was Monday morning and they had to go to breakfast together.

Dumbledore, much to the couple's chagrin, seemed to think the whole situation was hilariously funny. That ridiculous twinkle was back in his eye – if he knew the status of Severus and Hermione's relationship, he didn't appear to mind.

The headmaster had announced the problem at breakfast the day before (while the Potions Master and Head Girl were absent, they were pleased to note) so no one would ask why they were always together. It had just seemed like a whole lot of hassle for nothing trying to keep it secret.

Severus swept along the corridor in his usual bat-like manner. Hermione struggled to keep up with his long strides, and was half being dragged along by the invisible connection between them.

"Can't you slow down a little, _Professor_?" she asked, slightly annoyed.

Snape smirked. "Can't you speed up a little, _Miss Granger?"_

Hermione smiled inwardly. _That wasn't what he called me last night..._ She quickened her steps so she was level with him, but on the other side of the corridor.

The next event happened so fast it took the Head Girl several seconds to process the information.

Hannah Abbot, who was running away from Millicent Bulstrode, crashed into the space between Hermione and Snape. Yes, the _space _between them. Soon her pursuer was caught too. It was almost like there was a magnetic forcefield there.

Both the Hufflepuff and the Slytherin tripped, caught off guard by the apparent solidness of the air around them. Coming over to investigate (before anyone thought to tell him otherwise) Ron got stuck too.

"Oh, bloody hell!" he said, realising (though he didn't know the science of it) roughly what had occured.

"Indeed," Snape drawled lazily, eyebrow raised. You could see he was trying not to smile at the ridiculousness of it all – though he was definitely _not _pleased about it, don't get me wrong.

"Aargh!!" Hermione had several reasons to be unhappy at this situation. For all she knew, the others were stuck in the forcefield as indefinitely as she and Snape were. For one thing, it meant she and the Potions Professor had to act like they hated each other until the spell wore off, and for another it meant she had to sleep within three feet of him and try not to touch him. Snape seemed to have noticed this too; the half-grin had been replaced by a vicious glare that even Hermione herself could not escape.

By the time they reached the Great Hall, Colin Creevey and Draco Malfoy had become caught up in the growing mass off attached people. Every so often, one of them would forget they couldn't walk away and would drag the whole group down on top of them by trying to walk in another direction too quickly.

If Dumbledore had found the situation funny before, he was hyperventilating now. Even the usually-stoic McGonagall was suppressing a smile at seeing her foul-tempered colleague seemingly superglued to five 'dunderheads'.

* * *

That morning's breakfast had to be the strangest of Hermione's life. They had found it difficult to all manoeuvre onto the usual student benches, and (after falling over a few times) had been forced to eat standing up. All could see it was going to be rather troublesome to sleep.

Synchronised timetables were arranged and other teachers on free lessons were instructed to teach Potions (much to Severus' distaste and every student's joy). By the end of the day, apart from numerous bruises, the 'superglued ones' were leading as normal a life as could be expected at Hogwarts, under the circumstances. Dennis Creevey, never having been separated from his older brother for longer than an hour before, insisted on deliberately getting himself stuck in too. This did _not_ please anyone else present, as it was now proving even harder to fit around corners. Snape could be heard raving about how he would never be able to sneak up on students in the corridors after curfew like this.

Night crawled around, and no one was really sure what to do. There was no way seven people could lie down in four feet of sideways room. Eventually they were forced to arrange their standing forms into a square, turn the Room of Requirement into a diamond shape with backwards-slanting walls and sleep standing up.

Needless to say, nobody got a hell of a lot of sleep that night.

* * *

**A/N**

**I'm really so sorry this took ages to write. I just had the most dreadful case of writers' block! I hope it is satisfactory for the time being – I felt I had to get i something /i out for you guys!**

**slytherinserpent13 xxx**


	10. Scarlet and the Flobberworms

**A/N**

**I know, I know, this took ages. I've had several rampaging plot bunnies jumping around in my head... we all know that feeling, don't we?! **

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Scarlet and the Flobberworms**

Hermione yawned and arched her stiff back off the carpeted wall of the diamond-shaped room. A tantalizing few feet away, Severus was sleeping. His features were relaxed and a strand of hair had fallen across his face. The Head Girl smiled.

To her left, the Creevey brothers were squashed together in a rather dodgy position. On her right, Draco Malfoy was snoring gently.

Her smile faded slightly as she remembered the full implications of the situation, however. She just wished for her own bed and to hold Severus again. It had proven to be even worse that she'd thought – being this close. She daren't even look at him too much because of her own dare. She really was getting mightily sick up of it all now. Malfoy would have hell to pay when they all got out of this. Grinning evilly and experiencing a wonderful case of déjà vu, she reached over and punched the Slytherin squarely on the nose.

The blond let out a high-pitched scream which woke the others up too. Ron and Severus, after realising what Hermione had done, grinned together. In fact, everyone was laughing at Malfoy except Millicent Bulstrode.

Sadly, though, they were interrupted by the headmaster as he stuck his head round the door.

"Morning all!" he announced in such a sunny manner it almost made Snape want to be sick, "I've brought a new person to see you all! Her name's Scarlet!" Dumbledore held out a screaming toddler, seemingly unfazed at the wildly flailing limbs and saliva coming from it. Hermione thought the child's colouring rather matched her name. "Poor thing," continued Dumbledore over the racket, "She's an orphan. Nowhere to go."

Hermione and Ron shared a knowing glance, remembering what had happened to the last orphan to pass through the headmaster's hands.

The child's eyes turned to Snape and it abruptly stopped crying. Instead, it began making odd noises that seemed to be giggles.

Susan Bones, in a pitying, Hufflepuff sort of way, took the girl from Dumbledore. Hermione gasped.

"You idiot!" she breathed. "You've gone and got her stuck in here with us!"

Snape's eyes went wide and he just about caught the tiny girl as she launched herself at him.

The Head Girl made a valiant attempt to rectify the situation by saying: "Hasn't she got any relatives?" but could tell no one was really listening.

"Ah," said Dumbledore a while later, as the toddler wrapped her arms around the Potions Master's neck, "You see, that's the other problem." he paused, staring at Hermione. "I'm afraid her nearest relative is Professor Snape."

Everyone present could tell things had just gotten infinitely more complicated.

* * *

Tension was running high. Scarlet would not be moved from Snape, no matter how hard he tried to shake her off. Hermione could see he was torn between hating the girl and being protective of her for his dead relative's sake. They had all attended the scheduled lessons – which had done nothing for Severus' temper – and even managed to go three corridors without falling over, but were no nearer to finding a counter-curse than turning the sky green.

Of where he had found the curse, Draco would say nothing. The Potions Master was about an inch away from hexing him when there was another (rather familiar) flash of light and the younger Slytherin was replaced with a flobberworm.

Hermione groaned. "Of course! It's been a week! I totally forgot!" All around the hall, faces turned.

"Ugh!" cried Susan. "He was bad enough before – now we're stuck in here with _that_?!" Hermione felt compelled to agree. She wished she could get away with stepping on him.

Snape sighed. It certainly had been a revealing few days. He would be glad when the year was over – he would be free of the dares, free to be with Hermione whenever they both wanted and free of all the strange animals. He was definitely going to get Albus to ban this kind of competition for next year.

Scarlet shifted on his arm, reminding him of the ache she had created there. She wasn't so bad really. Caring for young children wasn't in his general repertoire, but he would do it. Maybe Hermione could... no, he wasn't even going to think of the future yet. It was still too far away.

Adjusting the child's weight to a more comfortable spot, he began to eat his dinner. If things insisted on throwing themselves at him, he would meet them calmly. No point in him getting worked up about it, he reasoned. This resolve was nearly broken, however, when there was a second flash and Pansy Parkinson became Hogwarts' third flobberworm.

He sighed again, louder this time. Things just happened around him, didn't they?

* * *

Hermione looked up, annoyed beyond measure. They had better find a counter-curse soon, or else she would probably go mad.

She could see from his slumped shoulders Snape felt the same. They were both solitary by nature – both preferred books to people most of the time and here they were stuck with others 24/7. At the moment he was crouching on the floor, trying to get Scarlet to eat some form of vegetables.

It was a strange curse – it only affected people. Food, books or toys could come and go at will. For some reason Hermione found it strangely irritating that a piece of carrot could have more freedom than she was allowed.

Remembering a small cousin she had back home, Hermione decided she might be able to help the poor professor. Getting up from the wall of the diamond room they once again occupied, she walked over to him and crouched down.

"I'm not avoiding you," she whispered. "It's just I'm scared if I look at you I'll forget my dare. And I don't want to spend the rest of the year as an animal, as well as being indefinitely stuck in here."

He nodded.

"I know. I can't wait until this is all over..."

She smiled.

"Well," she said in a louder voice, "Need any help there?!"

With a playful smirk and a pair of coaxing hands, she began the feeding ritual they were to continue for the next four months.

* * *

**A/N**

**I'm going to try and advance the plot in the next chapter so don't get annoyed at the little time jump. I can almost promise it'll be up within the week as I have ten days off soon.**

**Keep reviewing! I read everything and it makes me smile!**

**ss13 xx**


	11. The Counter Curse

**A/N**

**If I told you every weird thing about the last fortnight you really would think I'd gone crazy. (Am I already? I'm not sure) anyway here is part eleven. It's dedicated to ginnyfan200 at ffnet for giving me a kick up the ass with uploading and sev at Ashwinder, just for being sweet. :) I can't apologise enough for the lateness of this. Breaks really run away with you, huh?**

**Also, never did I say they were stuck _there_ for four months!**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven – The Counter Curse**

Over the next month as everyone's spirits degenerated, tempers flared further. Snape, although fairly tame in the first week due to Hermione's presence, had become moody and fed up even with Scarlet. The Head Girl could see that no one was benefiting from a situation like this, comical as it undoubtedly was for a while.

With every counter spell they tried that failed, she became more annoyed. It became a problem she _had _to solve. Failing didn't suit her at all.

They came closer all the time to the cure – they had even managed to increase the space they were trapped in a little bit, and make the spell wall glow a fluorescent colour so no one would walk into them, but the headway they were making was too small. Hermione had a horrible feeling that they were simply trying altogether the wrong thing.

Away from the immediate problem at hand, Snape really was getting on brilliantly with Scarlet. The child had grown quite considerably over the last few weeks, and learnt at the speed of light too. She was, to all appearances, an exact female replica of the Potions Master.

At this precise moment in time, the child was being spoon-fed cauliflower by the Head Girl while sat on her uncle's lap. Hermione had fed her the vegetables since day one – and she would hardly eat them any other way now. Snape hadn't gotten the hang of how to make her eat them, either.

Ron, who was dozing once more against the diamond walls of their room, suddenly jerked awake.

"Hermione!" he said, a metaphorical light bulb filling the space above his head, "I think I've got it!"

The subject of his speech turned her away from her previous occupation and she looked up at him.

"Sorry, Ron?" she was sceptical that her red-headed friend could have any light to shed on the matter – it was generally accepted that he was good at chess but next to useless in anything else.

You could see his eyes light up and his eyes widen as he anticipated his own response.

"I've got it!" he repeated, then, seeing no one was paying much attention, added, "Can't you hear me or something? I really think I have!" Hermione, so as to be kind, listened in silence as he recounted his idea.

"You see," he began, "I was having a dream about Harry and being an Auror and everything, and I thought of a big mansion that he had to break into, and he needed to bring down the wards. So he had this potion which you could spray in the air to see where they were. When the potion hit the magic, it made it evaporate into steam. The wards just floated off the house! So I thought: 'what if we found that potion and put it on our forcefield!'"

As the redhead finished his idea and gasped for breath, Snape sat transfixed. He was staring into space, eyes glassed over. Suddenly, he jumped up, unseating Scarlet from his lap.

"Come on!" he hissed to everyone, "Don't just sit around! Or don't you want to get out of this infernal cage?!"

Hermione got to her feet and picked up the child, grinning. Since when had Ron had a useable idea? It was a miracle – and she seemed to remember reading something about changing the state of magic elements somewhere. It was sketchy magic which no one was able to say they knew worked.

* * *

In the library, with the Creevey brothers, Hannah Abbott and Millicent Bulstrode told to sit quietly, they began looking through the Restricted Section.

Snape, like Hermione, said he had heard of the magic but never really put much stock in it before.

Hermione was reminded of times before when she had been stuck in that very room for endless evenings, looking for a mention of Nicolas Flamel, or something to make Harry breathe underwater. Honestly, one really could get nostalgic in a library!

She settled down at their table with an armful of books, prepared to sit there all night in search of their quarry.

* * *

In the early hours of the morning, eyes clouded with familiar tiredness, The Head Girl read a recipe and let out a squeak of delight.

* * *

Snape looked at the ecstatic teenager. Her eyes were sparkling as she mixed the potion, just the way they did when she got something perfect in his class.

She was standing, mouth half open, with her full attention on her work. The potion only required another five stirs and then to simmer for twelve minutes before it was ready. everyone was on the edge of their seats (well, they would have been anyway as the bounds of the forcefield still wasn't huge) with anticipation.

The Potions Master nearly dropped Scarlet when the potion began emitting red sparks, signalling its completion. Hermione carefully bottled it before running after everyone out of the door, through the corridors, up the dungeon steps and out of the Entrance Hall into the moonlight outside.

She uncorked the vial and used a charm to spread the contents over the highlighted forcefield.

They waited...

...And waited...

...Somebody coughed...

...Scarlet asked Snape what was happening...

...They waited some more...

...And then it happened.

Sparks, purple ones this time, exploded outwards from the walls of their prison.

Even Snape could be said to be smiling as a huge cloud of vapour swirled above their heads.

That was, until the vapour hit the cold air and condensed, sending showers of freezing water all over them.

* * *

Hermione ran faster than she could ever remember running before. She just felt so free now. Snape could just be heard uttering swear words behind her as the water hit him.

Inadvertently flexing her muscles and jumping up and down a bit, she calmed and ran back to the group.

"Ron!" she yelled, jumping on top of the boy and squashing him practically flat, "You are the best friend ever! I will never call you stupid ever again!!"

The boy looked at Snape and shrugged minutely, silently asking for some assistance or advice in dealing with emotional females such as the one currently on top of him.

The Potions Master coughed loudly, and the aforementioned emotional female turned her attention to him. She started to laugh hysterically and launched herself at Scarlet and Snape without thinking.

He hugged her back and Scarlet clutched onto them both, while everyone else stared on in shock.

* * *

**A/N**

**Is anyone still bothering to read? I don't blame you if you're not really. slaps self Bad author! To make it up to you, the next chapter is coming RIGHT NOW!**

**ss13 xx**


	12. Secret

**A/N**

**As promised! Warning – sentimental fluff!! Sort of anyway. I reckon this story will be finished in a few chapters. I'm sort of glad to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. This fic has been a WIP from the very start – I rushed into it way to fast. Someone remind me to think next time. I will definitely get a beta reader for my next fic.**

* * *

****

**Chapter Twelve – Secret**

The stunned silence continued for a long time after the two lovers broke apart. Ron was looking curious – he thought it was in Hermione's nature to hug teachers and didn't read anything else into it. Millicent and Hannah, however, did.

The Creevey brothers, not too intelligent, didn't really notice anything at all. Draco, being stuck in a plastic container with air holes, probably didn't clock anything had happened.

Snape, ever the master of good timing, said:

"I'm taking Mr Malfoy to Hagrid's hut,"

As he strode off, Harry came out from behind a nearby tree. After hugging Hermione and smiling at Ron, he said quietly to the Head Girl, "So, is it... is it... you know... you and... _Snape_?"

He didn't sound angry, just incredulous. Indeed, nothing much fazed Harry Potter. With the logical part of his brain he could see how well matched his friend and the potions teacher were. Hermione nodded her head slightly.

"You'll have to watch how you break it to Ron," he said, quieter still. "I think he likes you. And you wouldn't want him to blow up on you. In fact, I think I can find a way. Do you want me to tell him?"

Hermione watched Snape raise an arm and knock on the gamekeeper's door in the distance. "Yes please, Harry," she said, "I'd rather me and Severus weren't in range when he finds out. He might get a bit violent. And as for the other thing – could you tell Ron how I feel? I mean, I love him, but he's a brother. He couldn't ever be anything else to me. It just wouldn't be right."

Harry nodded and made his way over to his other best friend.

Hermione watched Snape – through his body language she could tell he was becoming more and more exasperated. In her peripheral vision, she could see the-boy-who-lived using exaggerated hand movements to prove his point to Ron, who appeared to be turning white, then red, then a strange green colour.

Their friend stumped dejectedly up towards the Entrance Hall. Hermione thought he had taken the news surprisingly well. Soon, she noticed, he was joined by Hannah who seemed to be attempting conversation with him.

When everyone was inside, the Head Girl ran down the hill to join Snape and Scarlet.

* * *

Curled in the Potions Master's chambers with Scarlet tucked up in a little bed next-door, Hermione sighed. Graduation was two months away, NEWTs a month away.

"Hermione?" asked Severus after a while, "What will happen after you graduate?"

The girl in his arms stirred.

"I don't know," she confessed. "I'm all mixed up. What would you like to happen?"

"I want you to stay here with me over the holidays," he said. "But it's not my decision. Are you going to university?"

Hermione smiled.

"Well," she said, "It was a bit of a secret, but since you asked – I'm apprenticing with Minerva. I'm really interested in Transfiguration. I'll stay here with you and Scarlet... Am I allowed?"

Severus felt her tense above him, unsure.

"Hermione," he assured, caressing her face softly, "You can stay here with me as long as you like." he smirked and added: "After all, how else would I get Scarlet to eat her vegetables?"

* * *

At breakfast ("Millicent's marrying Filch!") news of Hermione's relationship with Snape leaked out. People had even speculated that Scarlet was _Hermione's_ child, although Dumbledore was soon to squash those rumours.

The headmaster, however, would say nothing on the status of Severus and Hermione's relationship. He didn't seem angry or miffed, or indeed surprised. He appeared to be in a bunnies-jumping-through-fields-of-daises mood. His eyes were twinkling madly as ever, and he even dared to loudly announce at the end of breakfast:

"You see, I've been telling Severus here for _ages_ he'll fall in love sooner or later!"

The Potions Master's twitch returned and he was even slightly red. Scarlet didn't help by asking loudly from the next seat down, "So do you love 'Mynee, uncle Sev?"

Hermione herself was holding a glass of pumpkin juice tightly against her mouth, trying not to burst out in hysterical fits of laughter over the whole affair. She dared not look at the object of her affections – a dare was a dare, after all, but she knew he would be thoroughly embarrassed.

As it was, she was very surprised when he stood up, cleared his throat and sneered:

"I'm glad you're all having such a good laugh at my expense - _once again_, I might add – but just to clear up the rumours, Scarlet is very much NOT my or Hermione's child, although I love her very much indeed. Which brings me add: I also love Hermione very much. So now you're all shocked into silence, I'm going to leave."

He took his 'daughter' gently by the hand and led her out through the staff door.

Hermione continued to sit there, unmoving, thinking of just how much pride Severus had sacrificed to declare his love for her. Getting up, she ran down to the dungeons. His first lesson of the day was just starting, but she didn't care that she was late for her own.

Gathering her strength, she rapped on the now-familiar door.

"Enter," she heard a low, silky voice utter from within.

She slid inside and met the eyes of her lover. Blowing a kiss (and meaning it) she said quietly:

"I love you too, Severus." Smiling, she slipped back out again.

Their secret was well and truly out now, and there was no going back. It felt good.

* * *

**A/N**

**Love you all. Keep reading, blah blah. Short chapter I know. But at least it's out, right?**

**ss13xxx**


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